Hierarchy violations in the family system: What parents should not do (2 photos)

Family system

Hierarchy is one of the parameters of the family system, designed to establish order, determine belonging, authority, power in the family and the degree of influence of one family member on others.

One of the provisions of the hierarchy is that in the family, parents are responsible for the children and have all the power in the nuclear family.

In my article I want to consider some options for deviations from this norm and their consequences.

Triangulation

Triangulation is an emotional process between two people that tends to involve a third person in the relationship. In a broken family, where internal boundaries are blurred, parents may sometimes make children their emotional partners. This is an inverted hierarchy, in which the status of the child in the family is equal to that of the parents.

Example: “Daughter-friend.” The mother communicates with her daughter on equal terms, as partners, as friends, which leads to psychological discomfort in the child, to a confusion of roles, and to a weakening of the child’s strength.

Normally, the child’s strength should be directed into society, used to communicate with peers, friends and siblings (brothers, sisters).

In the case when a mother begins to share with her daughter what a bad relationship she has with her father, how they conflict, shares her suspicions about her father’s infidelity, turmoil begins to occur in the child’s soul.

When a mother becomes her daughter’s friend, in the daughter’s eyes this reduces her authority and, as a result, the daughter involuntarily emotionally joins her father. The child does not want to hear such things; it is difficult for him to listen to negative things about one of the parents. As a result, the daughter tries to distance herself from her mother.

The same thing happens in the case of an overly trusting, friendly relationship between one of the parents and their son.

What children shouldn't know about you

When touching on the topic of excessive frankness in communicating with children, you should immediately identify what children should not normally know. Children should not know about the personal intimate details and secrets of their parents. First of all, this concerns sexual relations. Metaphorically, it sounds like this: “The door of the marital bedroom for children should be tightly locked.” Yes, the children know that this door exists, and that’s all.

Also, children should not know about premarital romances, relationships, and loves of their parents. By telling her children about her premarital relationship, the mother takes away the father's power and turns the children against her.

The same applies to the father; children should not know about his premarital relations. If a marriage took place and the children asked about it, it makes sense to report only the fact of the marriage and this should not be deeply recorded, so as not to cause anxiety in the children and their doubts about the stability of the parents' union.

Now let's return to violations of hierarchy in the family system.

Parentification

The term parentification comes from the English word “parents” - parents. In a literal sense, this means that children functionally become parents to their own parents. This version of the inverted hierarchy often occurs in the case of alcoholism or drug addiction of one or both parents.

Example: If the father is chemically dependent and there is a son in the family, then he often replaces the codependent mother of the father. The father and mother in such a family are often infantile, so the child is forced to become the only adult and bear responsibility for the family, its existence and homeostasis. He makes decisions, he is responsible for the boundaries of the family, making them strict. Hard boundaries in this case look something like this: no one should find out that the father is an addict, so no one should be invited into the house, and what is happening in the family should not be shared with anyone. Such a child, as a rule, has no friends and leads a closed “adult” life. This is an inverted hierarchy, in which the status of the child in the family is higher than that of the parents.

Another example of parentification: in the event of the early death of the mother, the daughter functionally replaces her and, as a result, ceases to be a daughter. She does many household chores from an early age, caring for and supporting her father. Having never fully become acquainted with the role of a daughter, growing up, she most often becomes a functional mother to her husband.

Violation of hierarchy in the sibling subsystem

Occurs as a consequence of parentification, when the eldest child takes responsibility for the parental subsystem, he also takes responsibility for the child subsystem (younger children).

Or another option: when only in the children's subsystem there is no hierarchy, there is no leader and follower, older and younger children are on equal terms. This happens when one parent exerts a harsh, authoritarian influence on the children, uniting in a coalition with the children's subsystem and thereby weakening the other parent.

Example: A dad who spends a lot of time with his sons of different ages (sports, chess, fishing), without differentiating them into older and younger, while his mother is away from their activities. In this case, the mother, feeling weakened, experiences irritation with the father-son coalition and looks for someone with whom to create her own coalition, for example, with her parents or a psychotherapist.

It is worth noting that along with dysfunctional coalitions that unite parent and child, there are also healthy options - these are “horizontal” coalitions, which include intra-family coalitions between spouses and between siblings.

Dear Parents!

When you “befriend” your children, when you complain to them about your adult life, when you demonstrate your inability to cope with your losses and defeats;

When you patch up the gaps of your loneliness with your child’s soul, when you force your child to cover up your painful addictions;

When, driven by your selfishness, you blame your child’s ingratitude and demand bribes for “sleepless nights” in the form of attention or sympathy, -

know that by doing so you are depriving your child of not only a parent, whom you, by violating the hierarchy, are unable to be. You are depriving a child of his Life, because while the child is serving your adult needs and wants, he is not living his childhood (or adult) life. Be aware of this.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!

Maria Mukhina